Wake up and smell the roses...

I read a blog yesterday that made me cry... It also made me put a lot of things in perspective... I just wanted to share it with you....

http://blog.habunited.com/

weighing myself down
I vividly remember being 14 and on my way to Macy*s to pick out a Homecoming dress my Freshmen year of High School with my Mother. Once arriving at the store, my Mom took me to the “plus size” women’s section. I looked around in embarrassment. “This is the only place you will be able to find something” my Mother told me. I felt my heart sink into my stomach. I knew she was right and I felt terrible.

After trying on dozens of dresses, finally I found a blue dress that was “acceptable” but that I had no interest in wearing. I knew it would be nothing like my friends’ dresses. I knew it was made for a 65 year old woman. I knew there was nothing sexy or beautiful about it, which is all I wanted to be. A guy friend of mine from another school had offered to escort me to Homecoming. I was thrilled and secretly hoped he felt something beyond friendship for me, but never felt that it would happen. There would literally have to be something wrong with him to want to be with me. I never felt that I would be accepted by anyone as anything except fat, disgusting. On the car ride home it was obvious I was upset. My Mother, having grown up in an environment where looks where the ONLY thing a woman had going in her life, started getting angry with me for feeling sorry for myself.

“If you want people to like you, you will have to lose weight. For the rest of your life, the only thing people will see you as is fat. People will pity you, they will not love you. You will never have real friends, you will never have a boyfriend and you will never get married.”

This event haunts me every day of my life. Shortly after this event I starved myself for a year and lost almost 100lbs. On 700 calories or less a day, I ran almost 5 miles a day. Some days I even ran twice. I was obsessed. The more weight I lost, the nicer people seemed to be to me. My Mom seemed like she liked me, she told me I was beautiful, she took me shopping for “fun” clothes. I got a few boyfriends, I finally had lots of friends, and I felt like I had worth. But deep inside of me I worried, ‘What happens if I gain this weight back? Will I loose everything? Do people actually care enough for me to love me then?’

Over the following 5 years depression, horrendous family drama, having a baby & good old fashioned self abuse puts me back exactly where I started. I have gained back every single pound and them some. I remember 5 minutes after the birth of my son a nurse came over and was lecturing me about losing weight and becoming healthy. “You don’t want to be a bad example to your son,“ he said. It made me sad that even on the happiest day of my life, I still felt gross about myself. Everyday, I hate the way I look. I try to go all day without eating and then by 9pm I am starving and overeat. Everyday I say to myself, “Tomorrow I will work out, tomorrow I will eat well.” When I go out in public, I avoid walking by myself in front of other people, especially groups. I hate going into the grocery store or restaurants. I think people must be looking at me thinking, “Oh my god look at her, she is so huge. Look what she is eating, no wonder she is so fat”. I hide. Around my friends and family, I make jokes to make myself feel more comfortable. My husband tells me he loves me and is attracted to me, which only makes me think he is a giant liar or that there is something mentally wrong with him. I see the way my self loathing hurts him but I feel like can’t stop myself. I change 10-15 times some days trying to decide what to wear, but the clothes are not the problem.

Something clicked inside me yesterday. I was thinking, “maybe if I beat myself up enough, I will get my ass in gear.” Then I realized: I have been beating myself and been beaten by others my entire life and look where that has gotten me. No where. Perhaps if I try the opposite of everything I have tried, I will be successful. Maybe if I start to accept myself each day and remind myself I do have value, I will start to take care of myself in a way that one treats something of worth. I have a long road ahead of me. If I want to be healthy and happy with myself, I have got to do the work. It isn’t going to happen any other way. I can’t hate myself enough into weight loss. I’ve been there, I’ve done that- it wont work. I can’t keep living in denial. I can’t get to a place of peace by blaming life, myself or others. Playing the victim will only continue my being a victim in my mind. Today, I can love myself. I can care for and take time for myself. I can do what is right because it feels that way and I can forgive myself of the things I don’t do perfectly. One day at a time, I can live the life I want, not the life I think I “deserve”.


Wow, if that does make me stop and consider things, I am not sure what does....

HAve a great day everyone.