Working Mom........

Well, it is day 2 of my working Mom status.... My heart... broken... My mental status... a mess... my baby girl... doing wonderful....
I think in just 2 days of working, I have begun to feel like a different person yet again. I have also gained a new respect for working Mom's...
I had a really rough week last week,  thinking about leaving Kaylee, trying to mentally prepare for this next stage in my life and not sleeping with the insane amount of anxiety I felt for leaving my baby. I thought the worst of it was over. I thought yesterday morning as I dropped Kaylee off, and she wandered off with her new found friends at daycare and I sulked as I walked out the door to my car- where I continued to cry until I pulled into the RIM parking lot, called Karen (my child care provider) and was reassured that Kaylee was great, that the worst was over. For some reason, in my delusional mind, I figured that the first drop off, first day and first cry would be the hardest and from there on out it would get easier.
Well I am here to admit that I was wrong. My life is changing, Kaylee's life is changing and Jordon's life is also changing. I also know now, that this feeling I am feeling in the pit of my stomach is not going to go away after that first drop off...
With the way the schedules fall, for the first little while, I will be dropping Kaylee off around 8am and Jordon will be picking Kaylee up slightly before 5pm. I am off work at 5, so should be home around 5:20 ish. Sounds great huh... Sounds like your average working family schedule right?
Then why is it that I feel like the biggest mess in the world right now...Mum called to check in on my tonight and all she had to say was "how are you hun" and the tears which I had held back the entire day just freely flowed and I turned into my Mommy's little girl all over again....
Getting up in the morning around 6:15 ish isn't the hard part. Actually getting up at that hour has come fairly easy. Getting ready for work is not so bad, as I feel the vague familiarity in this process as well. Waking Kaylee up from her warm and cozy bed, to have her look at me with that look which says "Mom, its still dark outside. Why on earth are you waking me up?" a little harder.. Trying to get Kaylee ready; breakfast, cleaned up, dressed, diaper bag prepped while making sure, I am ready, the dogs are fed and have been out for a pee and getting us out the door by 7:45 in the morning, not quite so easy and slightly frustrating.
Kaylee doesn't quite understand why I am waking her up (almost 2 hours earlier then the usual time), trying to make her eat so early and shoving us both out the door so early is now our routine. She has been refusing to eat, yelling at me and fussing the entire way to the sitter.
She then spends a wonderful day with Karen and all her new little friends. We spent a few days there last week to help with the transition process. I know that Karen does this for the parents benefit and not the child and I am very grateful for that. I also feel so great in my child care choice and confident that Kaylee is in the best hands.
Understand all of this in my head still does not make leaving my baby with someone else while I am in an office all day ANY easier. When I get home in the evening, Kaylee has had a fantastic day of playing, great home made food and interacting with children. She is tired, slightly irritable and not really in the mood for playing with Mommy, who at this point in the day wants nothing more then to get down on the floor and play with her little girl.
This is where I am struggling. Kaylee is coming home to have supper, a bath, read a story, have a bottle and fall fast asleep. Mommy however is left to come home, try to spend that short time frame with Kaylee before she goes to bed, hold it together to make supper, lunches for tomorrow and any other chores that need to be done. Jordon has been fantastic.... His life is changing as well. He is no longer coming home to a clean and balanced household with supper ready and all the chores done. He is now picking Kaylee up from daycare, making her supper, getting things organized for me to come home and tearing around like a lunatic....
Being a working Mom is going to be by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.... I would like to go out on a limb and say that for 25 years old I have been through a lot... Handled a lot and come out a better person after bad situations...
I am also going to say, that I have never experienced this before and while I know maybe I sound like I am rambling and going on about the same thing... I feel like I could talk/cry about this for hours... days... I am not sure.
Having an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening with my perfect little girl is not enough. And my heart is aching because I feel like I deserve more of her and she deserves more of me.
That being said... Providing everything I am able for Kaylee and being the best Mom I can be in the time I do have with her is what is important.... That is the rational side of my brain speaking...
The hurting side... Is telling me to quit my job, and do whatever it takes so that I can stay home and take care of her each and everyday. My hurting side in my selfish side.
I know that daycare is healthy for Kaylee. I know she is learning (already), and having fun and growing as a little person in a lot of ways. I also know, adult stimulation and having a purpose in life besides being a Mom is very good for me. I know I am the type of person that requires some outside stimulation.
I just have not found the medium between these two ideals. I bet any other Mom's are reading this saying "it gets easier". I too know this in my rational mind....
My question is how do I stop the hurting now?
I also want to say that while this is by far the hardest part of "my new life".... It is not the only hard part.
Going through this daily routine; wake up, get everyone ready, go to work, come home, scrounge for time with Kaylee, make supper, clean up, make lunches, try and do any chores that need doing is exhausting... This is not even including the "work out" that I was doing so well at before I went back to work.
So here's my questions Moms....
How the hell do you do it?????
How do you manage everything and still maintain a positive attitude about everything? How do you not become bitter at the fact that someone else is now enjoying all those special moments with your little one? How do you keep up with the house maintaince? Or even your relationship maintaince? I feel like my whole being is trying to focus on everything but only has eyes for Kaylee....
Well, I am going to stop babbling. I truly hope for some feedback from Mom's who have been there... Please let me know this is "normal" or what I can do to make it easier... Or just that there is hope for getting over this tremendous hurt...

Have a great day!

Jaymie

Back to the Grind....

Well, now that I have spilled my guts out on here the last few days... I am going to start writing about what this blog was originally supposed to be about.

My everyday life with Kaylee.... I am considering changing the subtitle to the blog from "Our Everyday Life" to something a little more reflective about this blog. Maybe something like... "Life as Kaylee's Mom and Everything Else". Ha ha! Thoughts or suggestions?

So, getting back home and getting back into routine is always nice after a trip. While Kaylee was amazing while we flew, she slept most of the way (lucky I know), and while she was amazing while we were visiting.... I think it was just as nice for her to settle into our "normal" life once we arrive home.

We wasted no time getting our Christmas decorations down and trying to find that "normal" again. On my new healthier my kick that I am on, Kaylee and I have been walking each and everyday in her brand new wagon.

Something exciting that is happening is.... Kaylee will be starting daycare in a few weeks.... I am due back to work in a couple of weeks and therefore Kaylee and I will not be spending each and every moment together going forward. This is a pretty tough pill to swallow but I know it is going to be so good and so healthy for us both. It will be wonderful for Kaylee to be socializing more and interacting with children her age, and it will also be great for me to begin socializing in adult settings a little more often.

I truly believe going back to work if going to bump my moral and have me feeling a little bit better about myself. For those who remember I had been for an interview for a new position at RIM, I am still waiting for word. I called for a follow up and I should know by the end of this week. That being said, cross all your fingers and toes for me... PRETTY PLEASE!!!

Coming home and trying to sort myself out has also set some challenges for Jordon and I. We live our life generally carefree in the sense that we always like to have a good time and we really enjoy our drinks and fun with friends. Me setting the different goals for myself, kind of puts a damper on that and so we are trying to sort that out. Of course I don't expect Jordon to quit partying and drinking. But I would love to have him on board with me, trying to tone the party in our lives down a little. We are a family now and that has to be number one priority to both of us. By that I don't just mean Kaylee. Of course she is my absolute and utter first priority, but I also mean our relationship with each other. It is very easy to loose site of the "us" when the time you spend together is often spent with your friends. We are so lucky to have great neighbours that we can hang out with, however it has made me feel as if our relationship is kind of shared with them. Jordon and I sat and had a conversation about this and have promised that we are going to start making sure we take those moments for us. We have more "family time" and more "us" time.

Every relationship goes through it emotional ups and downs. I have no doubt that the one we are going through is one that will help make us better, help make us stronger, and help us understand each other even better. I think having those ups and downs is what helps you grow in life and growing is essential... Because if your not growing your sitting in limbo...

So to my hunny, we may be going through the humps, but at the end of the day... Your still here, I am still here and we have the most beautiful, smart and stunning little girl in the world. If that is not motivation enough to give everything we have to make the best of who and what we are I am not sure what is.

So, while our lives are changing everyday, and hopefully for the better, I have to say this! Kaylee is walking, Kaylee is saying a few little words, Kaylee will be starting daycare, and oh my goodness... KAYLEE IS GOING TO BE 1 YEAR OLD IN 12 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is a crazy thought for me to grasp! Wow!!!!

We went for our doctors appointment to get her 1 year needles this week... I must say, as I say each and every single time... It breaks my heart. To hear her cry, to have her cling to me and to see the real tears, not the crocodile tears is dreadful! I packed her up as quickly as I could and hit the road, heading home so we could snuggle up with a book and I could try and take that pain away.

Well, I seem to hear a little one up in her crib, letting me know loud and clear, that her nap in finished and she is ready to play. Until my next blog... could be a day or could be a month with the way I go... Ha ha!

Have a great day!!!

Jaymie

All in the Family..........

Well, I know I touched on it a little bit in my last post, but I wanted to write a little bit today about my family.

Wow! How lucky I am to have the family I have...

My father never seems to amaze me. He was generous enough to make the plans with Jordon's father to fly us home for Christmas. My dad and Jordon's dad split the difference and got us home for Christmas! My Dad and I have always butt heads. Some have gone as far as to say that I am a lot like my Dad. I share his passion for the important things in our lives, I share his stubbornness, I share his tough guy attitude and I also share his untiring dedication to family.

Dad was silly when we needed a laugh, serious when he knew I needed some guidance and amazing with Kaylee over the Christmas holiday. Overall it was really great to share a few of the moments with him that I was able to. I am grateful to have him as my Dad and feel extremely lucky for Kaylee to have the ability to get to know him.

My Mom... Wow, now there is a woman. She can cook, she can take care of a houseful, she can make you laugh, she can make you mad and she is one of those women that you always want on your side at the end of the day so you can have a hug and hear her say she loves you.

When I was visiting home in Ontario, I am pretty sure Mom smiled for every single second in a day that she was looking at Kaylee. She is just so incredibly happy to have her around. It was wonderful. Mom pulled out her pots, she pulled out her pans, she would make something special for Kaylee to try eating and if she didn't like it, Mom never let it phase her. I sat in the living room, watching Mom throw her hands in the air making silly noises all in an effort to make a cranky little girl smile (and it worked). I couldn't help but smile watching her. I am absolutely positive she would be ecstatic if I were closer and she could make those faces at Kaylee all the time.

I also want to say a little something about my little sister. Jackie is one of those people that love her or hate her, no one will ever forget her. She leaves a stamp! She is smart, she is beautiful, she is funny and she is emotional. She wears her heart on her sleeve and that has a tendency to get her in some mucky situations, her heart is pure and beautiful so anyone who sees it should feel lucky.

Jackie and I have not always seen eye to eye... (Imagine that, two sisters not always getting along). When I say that I really mean, as kids we either were getting along great OR fighting like dogs. As teenagers it was more often then not- fighting like cats and dogs... I was gone for her older teenage years, which didn't help our relationship and I know there was some tensions between us. That being said... Here we are at 25 and 21, we probably get along better then we ever have... I am pretty positive, Jackie has become a woman, driven to succeed and will do so when she puts her mind to it. She is also Kaylee's Aunt. There was mannnnny times I would look around to find Jackie on the floor with Kaylee playing or reading to her. She even woke up early one morning and let me sleep in while she fed Kaylee breakfast and played with her until I crawled my lazy bum out of bed.

You can tell when you look at Jackie, that she adores Kaylee and this is quite incredible considering a couple years ago everything in Jackie's life had to revolve around Jackie or she was very mad about it. She has grown up and seeing her with Kaylee makes me proud! I am proud that she has worked hard towards her goals, I am proud that she is such a wonderful Aunt and I am proud that she is still working towards the new goals she has set in her life.

When I was home over Christmas, my Mom, Sister and I went out for an afternoon. We drove around chatting, venting about the things in life that irk us and then stopped for an appetizer and drink. Sharing some of those moments in life are tremendously important to me. I am not able to do that with them often, so sitting there venting about life felt great!

Family clearly shapes who you are... I know this and I am now able to embrace it. I feel lucky to know that Kaylee not only has Jordon and I as her family but she also has this extended family that adores her almost as much as I do and will be able to provide her with the support, knowledge in different areas of her life and the love that they have for her.

So Mom, Dad, Jackie.... Thanks for being you... Thanks for the love, the support and the incredible Christmas you gave to us. I love you!

Jaymie

Weighed down....

A month... An entire month and no blogging. Terrible huh?

It's a little strange because it has been a month and I am not sure what to talk about. So much has happened and so much has changed. I have had some extremely important moments happen, some incredible memories made, some life changing conversations had and some tears shed...

Yet here I sit, somewhat stumped as to where to begin...

First and foremost, I have to tell everyone that KAYLEE IS WALKING. I am not talking 1, 2 or 3 steps.... I am talking 13, 14, 15 steps. Before we left for Toronto at Christmas, she was taking a few steps at a time, then dropping back down to her knees to crawl. I think she was basically doing this because she lacked the confidence in walking and knew she was quick and efficient at crawling, so resorted to dropping down to crawl. That being said, while we were visiting Toronto, Kaylee of course had to show off for Nanna and did 12 steps all on her own. She just got right on up and paraded across the kitchen like nobodies business. Since we have been home she has simply taken the challenge of walking on, like it is second nature to her. Today for instance, she paraded across the living room, stopped, picked up a toy on the floor and then continued her walk towards me. I have to say... That is one incredible feeling. Its also slightly sad... To know my baby is really no longer a baby. My goodness... In a couple weeks she is going to be 1 year old... What the heck!!!! How did that happen!

***Mom's Christmas Tree***

Well, moving on... I want to talk a little bit about Christmas...What an emotional roller coaster. For most of the people that read my blog, you probably know me well enough to know that I am a tough girl... That I don't often cry, that I don't like to let people see my emotions and I often put a smile on my face even when things are eating away at me...

Being home at Christmas was a huge testament to this side of me. I faced emotional battles that I don't think I was quite prepared for.

I really got to look at myself, where I come from, what has made me who I am, and how much I have truly changed in the last few years. My weight was pointed out to me numerous times during my visit... Whether it be the small comments like "oh that doesn't fit?" or "strips aren't flattering on anyone..." to someone saying something a little more direct like "You have really let yourself go and forgotten about yourself. Your hiding behind your weight".

***Cheryl and Jaron***

Well, all of these things may be true, but everyone has a breaking point... I remember one day I was there and something little had been said, and I simply walked up to the bedroom and sat on the bed and cried... My father came in the room to check on me and asked what was wrong and all I could muster was "I am so tired of always being the tough guy...". I am not writing about this for a pity party or anything along those lines. I am simply writing this to get to my next point... I really have lost who I am... While I don't believe I am huge, I have gained weight, I have stopped caring so much about my appearance and I have put myself on the back burner. That is what being a mother is about... Being a Mom is about putting your child's needs and wants ahead of your own. Being a Mom is throwing your hair in a pony tail and playing on the floor for a couple hours just to get those smiles and giggles out of your little girl. And being a Mom is about giving yourself each and everyday to your little girl because that is what she deserves!

**Me and Kaylee, Krystal and Marley***

Being a Mom however is not completely forgetting about you. About not taking the time to be good to you... I have written a few times about battles I am having in life- to work or not, being a good mom or not etc...

My battle this time is trying to find my way back to me, while being a good Mom and a good partner. I have set some goals for myself but I am not calling them New Years Resolution because no one ever keeps those.

My goals which I have begun working on are...

1) Quit drinking... I have not had a drink since New years and the reason I believe this to be important in my life is because I do have a family history of alcoholism... I also believe I tend to like my wine a little too much sometimes. the last reason- alcohol is a TON of calories.

2) To loose weight. I would like to loose 20 lbs before my trip to Dominican and another 20 by September... I am half tempted to post my weight on here to keep the motivation up and to have all of you harp on me about it, however what pride I do have says "Jaymie, don't you dare post your weight!" LOL.

***Kaylee and Daddy***

3) To do more for me... Do more to make Jaymie happy. I need to start doing more things for me. I would like to now after a year or learning (with more learning each and everyday to come), say I am a good Mom. I would also consider myself a good partner in life. I am great to my family, I do my very best to keep everyone happy, but now it is time I start doing a few more things for myself. I like to walk, but find it a lot of work to take a baby and 2 dogs for a walk... So if I just take the baby, or I just take the dogs (while Jordon is at home with Kaylee of course), then that is ok. I should make a night out every few weeks with my girlfriends and not feel guilty about it. Etc...

So these are my goals.... I hope for those few people that do read my blog you will support me in these things. Give me a little kick once in a while to keep me on my game.

So while that was one of my emotional hurdles over Christmas, I also had a really special moment....

***Christmas gifts with our cousins, Rachel, Hanna and Paige***

Jordon's sister Cheryl and I have known each other for quite a few years, however we have not always been the best of friends. We got along at first, but when Jordon and I went through our break up, Cheryl and I lost contact and kept our differences of opinions about certain things. That being said, over the last year, Cher has become part of my family. When Jordon and I had Kaylee, Cheryl was more then happy. She flew out to meet Kaylee a few months after she was born and has been sure to be a constant part of her life since. November 11th as I mentioned in previous posts, she delivered her own little baby. This Christmas we got to meet Jaron. Let me tell you! He is sweet as pie. He is a snuggle bunny, a Momma's boy and a charmer all already! Having children has truly brought Cheryl and I from being friends to family. She has opened her arms and welcomed me into her family as my family has done to her and her newly grown family. This Christmas she gave me a gift... It wasn't a Christmas gift, but more of a personal gift. I am not sure if she would be comfortable with me sharing what it was, but I will say this... It was extremely special. It meant more to me then she could imagine and I wish I could properly describe the gratitude I felt at that moment. So Cher- thank you... From the bottom of my heart, thank you for welcoming me into your family.

***Me and Kaylee, Cher and Jaron***

I know I am long winded and you readers must be thinking "geez you go from not writing for a month to writing a novel!" So with that I will say...

***Kaylee opens her first Christmas gifts at home! A new wagon from Nanna and Poppa Bear!!!***

Christmas was incredible... Christmas 2010 was what every Christmas should be about. It was truly about family. It was about my family- Jaymie, Jordon and Kaylee. It was about the family I come from- Mom, Dad, Jackie and Andrew (Jackie's other half). It was about the family Jordon comes from- Doug, Cheryl, JR and new baby Jaron... It was about all of these people coming together for a few days of the year, enjoying the most precious things in life... Each other.

If it were up to me, I would be back in Ontario tomorrow so I was able to share those moments more then once or twice a year, but for the meantime I am going to hold onto those amazing moments and cherish them.

Ok, This is all for today- THAT BEING SAID, I am writing a part two tomorrow. I seem to have an abundance of things to say and since I have been a horrible blogger, I intend of bombarding your with my thoughts for the last month!

Have a wonderful day!!

Jaymie