Working Mom........

Well, it is day 2 of my working Mom status.... My heart... broken... My mental status... a mess... my baby girl... doing wonderful....
I think in just 2 days of working, I have begun to feel like a different person yet again. I have also gained a new respect for working Mom's...
I had a really rough week last week,  thinking about leaving Kaylee, trying to mentally prepare for this next stage in my life and not sleeping with the insane amount of anxiety I felt for leaving my baby. I thought the worst of it was over. I thought yesterday morning as I dropped Kaylee off, and she wandered off with her new found friends at daycare and I sulked as I walked out the door to my car- where I continued to cry until I pulled into the RIM parking lot, called Karen (my child care provider) and was reassured that Kaylee was great, that the worst was over. For some reason, in my delusional mind, I figured that the first drop off, first day and first cry would be the hardest and from there on out it would get easier.
Well I am here to admit that I was wrong. My life is changing, Kaylee's life is changing and Jordon's life is also changing. I also know now, that this feeling I am feeling in the pit of my stomach is not going to go away after that first drop off...
With the way the schedules fall, for the first little while, I will be dropping Kaylee off around 8am and Jordon will be picking Kaylee up slightly before 5pm. I am off work at 5, so should be home around 5:20 ish. Sounds great huh... Sounds like your average working family schedule right?
Then why is it that I feel like the biggest mess in the world right now...Mum called to check in on my tonight and all she had to say was "how are you hun" and the tears which I had held back the entire day just freely flowed and I turned into my Mommy's little girl all over again....
Getting up in the morning around 6:15 ish isn't the hard part. Actually getting up at that hour has come fairly easy. Getting ready for work is not so bad, as I feel the vague familiarity in this process as well. Waking Kaylee up from her warm and cozy bed, to have her look at me with that look which says "Mom, its still dark outside. Why on earth are you waking me up?" a little harder.. Trying to get Kaylee ready; breakfast, cleaned up, dressed, diaper bag prepped while making sure, I am ready, the dogs are fed and have been out for a pee and getting us out the door by 7:45 in the morning, not quite so easy and slightly frustrating.
Kaylee doesn't quite understand why I am waking her up (almost 2 hours earlier then the usual time), trying to make her eat so early and shoving us both out the door so early is now our routine. She has been refusing to eat, yelling at me and fussing the entire way to the sitter.
She then spends a wonderful day with Karen and all her new little friends. We spent a few days there last week to help with the transition process. I know that Karen does this for the parents benefit and not the child and I am very grateful for that. I also feel so great in my child care choice and confident that Kaylee is in the best hands.
Understand all of this in my head still does not make leaving my baby with someone else while I am in an office all day ANY easier. When I get home in the evening, Kaylee has had a fantastic day of playing, great home made food and interacting with children. She is tired, slightly irritable and not really in the mood for playing with Mommy, who at this point in the day wants nothing more then to get down on the floor and play with her little girl.
This is where I am struggling. Kaylee is coming home to have supper, a bath, read a story, have a bottle and fall fast asleep. Mommy however is left to come home, try to spend that short time frame with Kaylee before she goes to bed, hold it together to make supper, lunches for tomorrow and any other chores that need to be done. Jordon has been fantastic.... His life is changing as well. He is no longer coming home to a clean and balanced household with supper ready and all the chores done. He is now picking Kaylee up from daycare, making her supper, getting things organized for me to come home and tearing around like a lunatic....
Being a working Mom is going to be by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.... I would like to go out on a limb and say that for 25 years old I have been through a lot... Handled a lot and come out a better person after bad situations...
I am also going to say, that I have never experienced this before and while I know maybe I sound like I am rambling and going on about the same thing... I feel like I could talk/cry about this for hours... days... I am not sure.
Having an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening with my perfect little girl is not enough. And my heart is aching because I feel like I deserve more of her and she deserves more of me.
That being said... Providing everything I am able for Kaylee and being the best Mom I can be in the time I do have with her is what is important.... That is the rational side of my brain speaking...
The hurting side... Is telling me to quit my job, and do whatever it takes so that I can stay home and take care of her each and everyday. My hurting side in my selfish side.
I know that daycare is healthy for Kaylee. I know she is learning (already), and having fun and growing as a little person in a lot of ways. I also know, adult stimulation and having a purpose in life besides being a Mom is very good for me. I know I am the type of person that requires some outside stimulation.
I just have not found the medium between these two ideals. I bet any other Mom's are reading this saying "it gets easier". I too know this in my rational mind....
My question is how do I stop the hurting now?
I also want to say that while this is by far the hardest part of "my new life".... It is not the only hard part.
Going through this daily routine; wake up, get everyone ready, go to work, come home, scrounge for time with Kaylee, make supper, clean up, make lunches, try and do any chores that need doing is exhausting... This is not even including the "work out" that I was doing so well at before I went back to work.
So here's my questions Moms....
How the hell do you do it?????
How do you manage everything and still maintain a positive attitude about everything? How do you not become bitter at the fact that someone else is now enjoying all those special moments with your little one? How do you keep up with the house maintaince? Or even your relationship maintaince? I feel like my whole being is trying to focus on everything but only has eyes for Kaylee....
Well, I am going to stop babbling. I truly hope for some feedback from Mom's who have been there... Please let me know this is "normal" or what I can do to make it easier... Or just that there is hope for getting over this tremendous hurt...

Have a great day!

Jaymie