Weighed down....

A month... An entire month and no blogging. Terrible huh?

It's a little strange because it has been a month and I am not sure what to talk about. So much has happened and so much has changed. I have had some extremely important moments happen, some incredible memories made, some life changing conversations had and some tears shed...

Yet here I sit, somewhat stumped as to where to begin...

First and foremost, I have to tell everyone that KAYLEE IS WALKING. I am not talking 1, 2 or 3 steps.... I am talking 13, 14, 15 steps. Before we left for Toronto at Christmas, she was taking a few steps at a time, then dropping back down to her knees to crawl. I think she was basically doing this because she lacked the confidence in walking and knew she was quick and efficient at crawling, so resorted to dropping down to crawl. That being said, while we were visiting Toronto, Kaylee of course had to show off for Nanna and did 12 steps all on her own. She just got right on up and paraded across the kitchen like nobodies business. Since we have been home she has simply taken the challenge of walking on, like it is second nature to her. Today for instance, she paraded across the living room, stopped, picked up a toy on the floor and then continued her walk towards me. I have to say... That is one incredible feeling. Its also slightly sad... To know my baby is really no longer a baby. My goodness... In a couple weeks she is going to be 1 year old... What the heck!!!! How did that happen!

***Mom's Christmas Tree***

Well, moving on... I want to talk a little bit about Christmas...What an emotional roller coaster. For most of the people that read my blog, you probably know me well enough to know that I am a tough girl... That I don't often cry, that I don't like to let people see my emotions and I often put a smile on my face even when things are eating away at me...

Being home at Christmas was a huge testament to this side of me. I faced emotional battles that I don't think I was quite prepared for.

I really got to look at myself, where I come from, what has made me who I am, and how much I have truly changed in the last few years. My weight was pointed out to me numerous times during my visit... Whether it be the small comments like "oh that doesn't fit?" or "strips aren't flattering on anyone..." to someone saying something a little more direct like "You have really let yourself go and forgotten about yourself. Your hiding behind your weight".

***Cheryl and Jaron***

Well, all of these things may be true, but everyone has a breaking point... I remember one day I was there and something little had been said, and I simply walked up to the bedroom and sat on the bed and cried... My father came in the room to check on me and asked what was wrong and all I could muster was "I am so tired of always being the tough guy...". I am not writing about this for a pity party or anything along those lines. I am simply writing this to get to my next point... I really have lost who I am... While I don't believe I am huge, I have gained weight, I have stopped caring so much about my appearance and I have put myself on the back burner. That is what being a mother is about... Being a Mom is about putting your child's needs and wants ahead of your own. Being a Mom is throwing your hair in a pony tail and playing on the floor for a couple hours just to get those smiles and giggles out of your little girl. And being a Mom is about giving yourself each and everyday to your little girl because that is what she deserves!

**Me and Kaylee, Krystal and Marley***

Being a Mom however is not completely forgetting about you. About not taking the time to be good to you... I have written a few times about battles I am having in life- to work or not, being a good mom or not etc...

My battle this time is trying to find my way back to me, while being a good Mom and a good partner. I have set some goals for myself but I am not calling them New Years Resolution because no one ever keeps those.

My goals which I have begun working on are...

1) Quit drinking... I have not had a drink since New years and the reason I believe this to be important in my life is because I do have a family history of alcoholism... I also believe I tend to like my wine a little too much sometimes. the last reason- alcohol is a TON of calories.

2) To loose weight. I would like to loose 20 lbs before my trip to Dominican and another 20 by September... I am half tempted to post my weight on here to keep the motivation up and to have all of you harp on me about it, however what pride I do have says "Jaymie, don't you dare post your weight!" LOL.

***Kaylee and Daddy***

3) To do more for me... Do more to make Jaymie happy. I need to start doing more things for me. I would like to now after a year or learning (with more learning each and everyday to come), say I am a good Mom. I would also consider myself a good partner in life. I am great to my family, I do my very best to keep everyone happy, but now it is time I start doing a few more things for myself. I like to walk, but find it a lot of work to take a baby and 2 dogs for a walk... So if I just take the baby, or I just take the dogs (while Jordon is at home with Kaylee of course), then that is ok. I should make a night out every few weeks with my girlfriends and not feel guilty about it. Etc...

So these are my goals.... I hope for those few people that do read my blog you will support me in these things. Give me a little kick once in a while to keep me on my game.

So while that was one of my emotional hurdles over Christmas, I also had a really special moment....

***Christmas gifts with our cousins, Rachel, Hanna and Paige***

Jordon's sister Cheryl and I have known each other for quite a few years, however we have not always been the best of friends. We got along at first, but when Jordon and I went through our break up, Cheryl and I lost contact and kept our differences of opinions about certain things. That being said, over the last year, Cher has become part of my family. When Jordon and I had Kaylee, Cheryl was more then happy. She flew out to meet Kaylee a few months after she was born and has been sure to be a constant part of her life since. November 11th as I mentioned in previous posts, she delivered her own little baby. This Christmas we got to meet Jaron. Let me tell you! He is sweet as pie. He is a snuggle bunny, a Momma's boy and a charmer all already! Having children has truly brought Cheryl and I from being friends to family. She has opened her arms and welcomed me into her family as my family has done to her and her newly grown family. This Christmas she gave me a gift... It wasn't a Christmas gift, but more of a personal gift. I am not sure if she would be comfortable with me sharing what it was, but I will say this... It was extremely special. It meant more to me then she could imagine and I wish I could properly describe the gratitude I felt at that moment. So Cher- thank you... From the bottom of my heart, thank you for welcoming me into your family.

***Me and Kaylee, Cher and Jaron***

I know I am long winded and you readers must be thinking "geez you go from not writing for a month to writing a novel!" So with that I will say...

***Kaylee opens her first Christmas gifts at home! A new wagon from Nanna and Poppa Bear!!!***

Christmas was incredible... Christmas 2010 was what every Christmas should be about. It was truly about family. It was about my family- Jaymie, Jordon and Kaylee. It was about the family I come from- Mom, Dad, Jackie and Andrew (Jackie's other half). It was about the family Jordon comes from- Doug, Cheryl, JR and new baby Jaron... It was about all of these people coming together for a few days of the year, enjoying the most precious things in life... Each other.

If it were up to me, I would be back in Ontario tomorrow so I was able to share those moments more then once or twice a year, but for the meantime I am going to hold onto those amazing moments and cherish them.

Ok, This is all for today- THAT BEING SAID, I am writing a part two tomorrow. I seem to have an abundance of things to say and since I have been a horrible blogger, I intend of bombarding your with my thoughts for the last month!

Have a wonderful day!!

Jaymie