Pity Party for One Please?

I hate this feeling... The feeling in the pit of your stomach that is yelling at you and crying at the same time.... The part that is saying "WHY MEEEEEE!!!" and the other part that calmly and rationally states "stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are a lucky person. You have so much to be grateful for.".
I have begun working the back shift... By this I mean going into work at 11pm, when your body is fighting with you to go to bed and working until 7:30am when your body is usually getting ready to head out the door for the "normal" working shift.
My position is a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week position. There is a proper rotation and everyone does there turns doing early shifts and late shifts. I took on the back shift to avoid working shifts that would run into the evening when I get those valuable few hours with Kaylee.
I thought it was a brilliant idea. Work when she is sleeping, Jordon could take her to daycare in the morning while I sleep, I pick her up in the afternoon and have the late afternoon and evening at home.
This is how I had it planned in my head however it is so much harder then that. I have never been much of a napper or day time sleeper. Even when Kaylee was born and colicky and everyone said "sleep when she sleeps", I had trouble sleeping. It made for a very long 10 weeks. I somehow feel, 14 months later that I am going through this again. I am having a lot of difficulty sleeping through the day. It is not the light but more the sound. And the mental clock in my head telling me it is beautiful outside and I could be washing my floors, changing the bed sheets, doing the laundry or walking the dogs.  The way it has been working out, I have been coming home around 8am, tidying a few small things before crawling in bed. Sleep is light but I am able to sleep until about 12:30 ish. This leaves me with roughly 4 hours sleep. During that sleep, the phone has rung 3 times, the dogs have barked at kids passing by outside and I have reached out to touch Jordon who is clearly not there.
The first couple days... Not too bad... A few days later... A sick babysitter... Ok, I can handle this... Worked all night with 4 hours sleep the day before but sure... I can do this. Kaylee and I play and spend the day together. I do nap when she naps from 1:30-3pm. Jordon comes home early and relieves me of Mommy duty so I can get a few hours sleep before heading back to work. I sat at work and thought of my bed and the brand new sheets I had put on. 6:30am... I am almost there... 1 hour to go and I am off to bed...
BlackBerry Messenger Message "Jaym, call me"
Turns out babysitter is still sick and I am going to be Super Mom again... I put my head down on my desk and I actually cried for a minute. The exhaustion took over and I just couldn't help it.
I remember doing this when Kaylee was 5 weeks old and I had not slept for more then 40 minutes at a time. I remember sitting and crying. Calling my Mom and telling her she needed to fly out and take care of Kaylee because I just couldn't do it.
Jordon had a morning meeting but promised to come home as soon as it was over so I would be able to sleep. It just so happened my neighbour and good friend Kerry was off work for the day and thank goodness. She took Kaylee for the morning for me. Let me tell you... I slept. I slept well. I slept well for 5 hours before getting up and enjoying the rest of the afternoon with my little girl.
The weekend was tough. Going from being up all night to trying to go to bed at night to spend the days with Kaylee, but I managed. Back shift began once again on Monday and I seemed to be getting the hang of it. Tuesday night... Halfway through my shift I get a call... Kaylee has been up screaming and will not sleep. Jordon has been doing really great stepping up to the plate since I have been doing the back shift but I have always taken on night duty and it was me she wanted as she cried and screamed.... Not Daddy. I had to leave work to head home. We rocked and sang until 4:30am before she finally fell asleep. The next morning off to daycare she went while Momma went to bed. 10:30- ring ring ring. I ignore it. 10:45 ring ring ring... ignore it again... 11am still ringing. I finally get up to check and it is my babysitter. She is sure Kaylee must have an ear infection because she will not eat, will not sleep and will not stop screaming. I get myself up and head out to get her. We head to the walk in clinic and the doctor tells me matter of factly that her ears look good, her throat looks good and there appears to be nothing wrong with her...
I succumb to the desire of greasy McDonald's which I have avoided for the last few months for the purpose of fitting into my wedding dress and head home...
At 3pm Kaylee finally lays down for a nap and Mommy does the same. I had a good hour of sleep and then we were up going about our usual play routine. She was much whinnier and clingier... Teeth maybe? That's the only thing I can think of... But nothing seems to pacify her but me...
So this is me... Feeling sorry for myself. Going through the "WHY ME!!!!!!" in my head....
Being a full time working Mom is hard... Being a night working Mom may just be harder...

Why is it that life can't just be simple and boring and full of no surprises? Just for a little while?

Everyday there is a new hurdle... Sometime they are so big I am not sure I can get over them... Others are the small ones that make me feel like Super Mom. But right now... I am definitly not feeling like Super Mom. I am feeling Super Defeated....

Well, thanks for letting me vent and checking in on me. I promise I will write something more positive tomorrow!

After all I have wedding details to share as well as our last minute surprise trip to Toronto to share with everyone!

Have a great day, and thanks again for reading my rant...

Jaymie