So, I have been putting this off for weeks, and even as I sit here now, I am stuck for words. I brought up the page, browsed other pages, came back to this page and now I am going to force myself to write something that makes a little bit of sense.
I have not been writing over the last month because I have been in a little bit of a funk.... I kept coming up with all kinds of excuses to myself, my mom, and the very few people that follow this blog- "I don't want to sit on the computer in the basement, Kaylee and I have been busy, I don't want to sound repetitive..." etc.. etc... etc...
The truth is, I just don't want to sit down and sound negative, writing my thoughts down that seem to run in circles. I feel like I am at a big turning point in my life. I am trying to figure out who I am, figure out what I want and figure out where I want to be in my life. Of course all of those questions are extremely broad and give me a hundred answers each. However I need to start with the most important thing to me right now...
I am a Mom. I am a Mom who feels like my only identity has becoming being a Mom and that scares me. I have continually had a battle inside my head with why being a Mom isn't enough and whether or not that makes me a bad mother for feeling as if it is not enough. Does that make sense? I feel guilty for wanting to go back to work, I feel guilty for wanting to have more adult conversations in a day, and I feel guilty for wanting to get up in the morning and head to the office with a job to do.
I am hoping other Mom's can relate... Because the thought of wanting to do all of those things, when I have 3 months left of paid maternity leave is what I am battling. Why would a "good" Mom give up being at home with their perfect, precious, beautiful baby girl to go back to work early....
I love Kaylee with my heart and soul. I love her with every fibre in my body. That being said, I don't want being a mom, even if it is being a good Mom, which I believe I have become, to be my only identity. I still want my career.....
Is there any Mom's out there that can relate to this?
This roller coaster of emotions has had me moody, cranky and frankly not the most fun to be around I am sure.
That being said, I am going to smarten myself up. I am going to stop feeling sorry for myself, get up and enjoy what I do have and then face the battle of work when it comes. I have applied for numerous new positions at my company and should I get the opportunity to take one of them, I will- with the guilt and all.
All that being said, I am going to start writing more. I enjoy writing my blog... I enjoy venting about things, sharing my thoughts, feelings and experiences, and I enjoy knowing at the end of the day, I have written about something that matters- Kaylee Joye Flowers.
So that's all for today. I guess this is my coming back and saying- "Yes I am still alive and I still want to share our everyday life with those that care to take the time to read it". Thank you to those that do!
Have a wonderful day!
xo
Jaymie
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I don't think you're the only mom out there that feels that way. I think my mom felt like this when she had my sister and I. And I know I will feel like this when I have kids. I think there are some women that are completely content with just being a mom and have raising their kids as their only job. On the other hand I think there are lots of women out there that absolutely adore their children but need more in their life than just being a stay at home mom. Go get your career hunn and don't feel guilty about it. Think of it this way, you'll be making a great role model for Kaylee to look up to. :)
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